Self-Respect Means Knowing What Love Is & What Love Is Not

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Self-Respect Means Knowing What Love Is & What Love Is Not5 years ago…

My face hit the floor, as I was literally brought to my knees, begging and pleading with snot and tears running down my face. I might as well have been kissing his feet, and all to make him reconsider ending our marriage.

The response I received started as an arrogant scoff that accumulated into explosive laughter. He rolled his eyes at me with not an ounce of sympathy or concern and mockingly spit out, “Get up off the floor and stop making a fool of yourself.”

He was correct. I had made a fool of myself. Gladly, I would learn from this mistake, never to repeat it again. Self-respect also means when your ex comes crawling back that you know better than to take them back, especially if the relationship was toxic.

Narcissistic Abusers Tend To Come Back

Toxic people often return to further abuse those who lack self-esteem and self-respect. Toxic people might come crawling back because they need a victim to target for the resulting feeling of power. Selfishness takes years to undo for many set in their ways, and often victims of narcissistic abusers remain in a repetitive cycle. Egotistical predators are charming and know how to get under the skin of others quickly.

Some of us can walk away from love and years of commitment as if it is the easiest thing in the world to do. Maybe it’s due to willpower or because there is another relationship or someone else waiting on the sidelines. Some can appear to be not at all affected by toxic relationships, while others, like my past self, take them extremely hard. Some of us beg, plead and make every effort to stay together. Some of us want to “fix” things. There really is no easy solution when it comes to matters of the heart. Whether you consider it foolish to beg someone to stay with your or view breaking up as giving up, an end to any relationship can feel much like a death.

We Learn About Self-Respect Through Relationships

We grieve over loss in different ways. Either we can choose to find the solution at the bottom of a bottle, jump into a rebound relationship, or find other ways to numb the pain. At the end of the day, self-destruction hurts not only the individual but also their loved ones.

The opposite of self-destruction is self-respect. It seems most of us learn about dignity through the relationships we have with others. The notion of loving yourself is particularly connected to self-respect.

Learning to love yourself is as important as learning to walk away with your head held high. It’s not enough to recite a mantra and claim that you love yourself. Love itself isn’t about repeating keywords. Love is action. Love is a verb. Love is knowing that you can be an adult, discuss things without reacting and have constructive conversations rather than shouting matches.

Healthy Relationships Are Reciprocal

Any relationship, whether personal or professional, must be mutual and a team effort. Self-respect means loving yourself enough not to allow yourself to be taken advantage of, and this means knowing mutual compliance is the center of all healthy relationships.

You might have a hostile family member who treats you poorly, perhaps a sibling who is resentful and always lashes out at you. You might have a partner who refuses to help you with the kids, and you feel you might as well be a single parent. You might have a girlfriend or a boyfriend who wants to break up while you are desperate to make the relationship work. At the end of the day, kissing someone’s feet, begging, pleading, groveling…none of that can change or alter their decision.

Self-respect is about releasing control of others and especially not allowing others to control you. Whether through psychological manipulation or emotional abuse, there are very subtle ways people manipulate. Manipulation is not love. Similarly, allowing someone to crush your self-esteem and sense of worth is not giving you the respect you deserve.

Self-Respect Means Knowing What Love Is & What Love Is NotLove Is Empowering Not Discouraging

When you love yourself you empower yourself, just as when you love someone else you encourage rather than discourage. You lift up and not tear down. You talk kindly to yourself and refuse to let your mind think worthless thoughts. Don’t tell yourself you don’t deserve love, that you don’t deserve abundance.

Love is empowering and encouraging, and that is the root of self-respect as well as giving respect to others. When you are disrespectful, you do not care what you say or how you say it. When you have no filter, you allow yourself to vomit whatever thoughts come to mind without considering how they might hurt others and how it might make you come across. There is a difference between being direct and being disrespectful. There is a difference between being honest and being rude.

This means if you are disrespectful towards others, you are likely unhappy with yourself. Deep inside you do not love yourself, so you cannot show love towards others. When you do not love yourself, you do not respect yourself and will not be respectful to the people around you. It is a chain reaction that begins or ends with you.

Self-Respect Is Love In Action

Ultimately, you do not have control over how others behave, but you can control how to respond. Most of us have control over how we want to be treated, what we are willing to put up with and how we treat ourselves. Loving yourself is more than just words…it is not a mantra. When someone loves you and when you love yourself, it is action and that action ought to be good. Your actions should come from a supportive and pure place, not tainted by selfish or ulterior motives.

While I am not a religious person, I cannot help but turn to the only written text that has ever, in my personal opinion, described love correctly:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7



Blogging Collaboration With A Purpose

While I have been busy, I have made time to do once a month collaboration-themed blog posts. I’ll try to post more when I can. For further inspiration on self-respect, please check out these bloggers, their posts will be up sometime today.

 

 

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36 thoughts on “Self-Respect Means Knowing What Love Is & What Love Is Not

    Author: Sadaf Siddiqi said:
    September 5, 2017 at 7:46 AM

    Powerful post full of motivating quotes.

    Liked by 1 person

    Self love and acceptance – TheJothishJosephBlog said:
    September 5, 2017 at 8:15 AM

    […] Sonyo Estavillo […]

    Like

    […] Sonyo Estavillo @ ‘Lil Pick Me Up: Self-Respect Means Knowing What Love Is & What Love Is Not […]

    Like

    […] Sonyo Estavillo: Self-Respect Means Knowing What Love Is & What Love Is Not […]

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    Self love and acceptance. – lifeaswehaveneverknownit said:
    September 5, 2017 at 10:20 AM

    […] 6. Sonyo Estavillo’s Post. […]

    Like

    Sonyo Estavillo responded:
    September 5, 2017 at 11:30 AM

    I love the bible verse too and find that you don’t have to be religious to be find that love verse a perfect summary of what love truly is. Thanks for your support, it means a lot. ❤

    Like

    Self-Love and Acceptance - Collaboration With Purpose said:
    September 5, 2017 at 12:34 PM

    […] Lil Pick Me Up […]

    Like

    Jainey said:
    September 5, 2017 at 4:13 PM

    This is one powerful post. I love it that you have learned so much from your experiences. And I’m glad you’ve turned out to be a much better person today. Really motivational quotes.

    P.S. I love that Bible verse!

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      September 5, 2017 at 6:01 PM

      Thank you Jainey, I have learned from my past and I definitely do not wish to repeat mistakes I’ve made. I do feel as if I’ve learned from my past. I love motivational quotes.

      Liked by 1 person

    […] Sonyo Estavillo @ ‘Lil Pick Me Up: Self-Respect Means Knowing What Love Is & What Love Is Not […]

    Liked by 1 person

    Nicolle said:
    September 5, 2017 at 10:09 PM

    Great post! I’m glad you learned from your past, and I agree self-respect is an important part of self-love. I’m also not a religious person myself but I love that verse on love too. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      September 5, 2017 at 11:17 PM

      Nicolle, we all hopefully learn from our past and grow as a result. I’m glad you mutually agreed to the Bible verse that has been the single most potent definition of what love is.

      Liked by 1 person

    Christina Schwartz said:
    September 6, 2017 at 5:47 AM

    Great post!! Thanks for the reminder and for sharing a little bit of your own experience.

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      September 6, 2017 at 8:50 AM

      I think it’s hard as bloggers to know when to open up about our experiences, but I find it cathartic. Thank you for reading. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

    […] Sadaf Siddiqi: Self-Love and Acceptance […]

    Liked by 1 person

    Ipuna Black said:
    September 6, 2017 at 8:19 AM

    I’m so glad you are in a much better place today. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we come back much stronger than we ever could’ve imagined. I love those scripture versus too.

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      September 6, 2017 at 8:48 AM

      Thank you and it’s true. We find out how to respect ourselves from moments in our lives when we haven’t. From struggle we triumph and become stronger because the alternative is to allow it to break us. I’d rather make myself whole and learn from the past and grow. I ❤️ the ❤️ verse too! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

    Mylene Orillo said:
    September 6, 2017 at 7:50 PM

    I like this line, “Self-respect means loving yourself enough not to allow yourself to be taken advantage of.” It takes one courageous and brave heart to walk away from an abusive/unhealthy relationship. It’s hard but it’s possible as they say. Thank you for sharing this!

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      September 6, 2017 at 10:29 PM

      Thank you Mylene, we can dig inside ourselves and find the strength we never thought we had. Struggles makes us better people. We grow and growth is always good, no matter how much it hurts at the time.

      Like

    motgpr2014 said:
    September 6, 2017 at 9:03 PM

    Hey Sonyo, Love your insight on Self-love. I’m happy that you removed yourself from that toxic relationship. I know it was difficult and I’m sorry you had to encounter the hurt. Nevertheless, I’m pretty sure you are much stronger now. I am a Christian and I love 1 Corinthians 13:4. All my best

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      September 6, 2017 at 10:31 PM

      The bible verse 1 Corinthians 13 is by far the best definition of what love is and what love is not. Thank you for your encouragement. We rise from the ashes, better for it.

      Liked by 1 person

        motgpr2014 said:
        September 7, 2017 at 9:17 PM

        Absolutely. You’re welcome 🌷

        Like

    Jothish Joseph said:
    September 6, 2017 at 10:10 PM

    First of all I just love your featured image. It proves yet again that pictures mean a thousand words.
    Coming to the post, there’s so much to love than just a word for four letters. I can barely think of another “Love is…..” statement! And perfectly ended by saying that self respect is love in action!
    Thank you so much for such an amazing stroll down the lane of love!

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      September 6, 2017 at 10:33 PM

      Jothish, when I found the featured image on “Unsplash” which is a free site for anyone to download images. I couldn’t believe it, it was absolutely perfect. It is a perfect image of how people (2 wounded souls) get in a relationship and hurt each other. Inside, we all have wounded inner children that need to be healed in order to have a healthy relationship. ❤

      Like

        Jothish Joseph said:
        September 6, 2017 at 11:11 PM

        True! I would rate it as one the best pictures I’ve seen in recent times! It’s a gem!

        Like

    […] Sonyo Estavillo […]

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    thereluctantpoet said:
    September 17, 2017 at 6:03 PM

    Reblogged this on The Reluctant Poet and commented:
    DO NOT MISS READING THIS POST – for yourself and others you know and love!!
    Please enjoy Sonyo Estavillo’s “Self-Respect Means Knowing What Love Is And What Love Is Not”

    Like

    mkvecchitto said:
    September 17, 2017 at 6:25 PM

    Reblogged this on Steps Times Two and commented:
    I was lucky enough to find this post through my friend, The Reluctant Poet. http://thereluctantpoetweb.wordpress.com/

    I highly recommend following both his blog and this one. Powerful writing!

    Like

    mkvecchitto said:
    September 17, 2017 at 6:27 PM

    Reblogged on Stepstimestwo.wordpress.com. I can relate to this on so many levels. Thank you for sharing a story that needs to be told. Powerful!

    Like

    Samantha said:
    September 20, 2017 at 7:33 AM

    Pun unintended, but I love this post. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience with us. The road to self-respect and self-love is never easy, so it seems, but it’s well worth the journey.

    Like

    Opinionated Man said:
    September 24, 2017 at 10:01 AM

    I think this line “Ultimately, you do not have control over how others behave, but you can control how to respond.” is one of the most important things I’ve learned in life! Great post!

    Like

    TAJWAR FATMA said:
    September 26, 2017 at 5:53 AM

    This is literally one of the best articles I have read in months. I’m definitely giving it a share. I was in an abusive relationship once and I know the havoc it creates with your mental peace.
    Kudos to you !!

    Like

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