Married and Dating: The Biggest Mistakes Women Make
It’s not a surprise why there have been so many self-help books written on the differences between men and women, from Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus to Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. I am sure there are hundreds more out there and way too many to list. The above books however are two relatively popular examples and, out of both, my vote is with Steve Harvey. The actor, comedian and writer basically nailed it, and if more women were to simply read it, the world would be filled with happier, more successful relationships. And of course, drama-free ones.
Let me give you a scenario. Ever witnessed a man on the phone with his buddy or relative, and then he gets a phone call from his wife or girlfriend (not an emergency). He says, “Hey bro, I gotta go … my girl is on the phone!” Does he say this like it’s life and death, all spaz-like? Ever witness this? Ummm, probably not, unless his girl is in labor, if an asteroid has just hit the planet or he’s, what people call, “whipped.”
Guys watching a friend act in this manner would promptly punk the dude and likely call him derogatory names such as a particular term for a female anatomical part or the term for a female dog. If it’s not an emergency, and a guy knows it’s not an emergency, what really would happen is he’d finish the conversation with his buddy before calling his girl back.
He’s not about to be rude and rush off the phone simply because it’s his chick, who is probably overreacting about something, anyway. He’ll let her message go to voicemail. If she doesn’t get a hold of him, she’ll resort to texting. The guy will respond, “Sorry, on the phone. Will call you back.” If he wants to be extra nice to a nosy girlfriend or wife, he’ll specify who he is having a conversation with; though really this extra step is a bit too much work for the average male. The logic goes that if his girl doesn’t trust him by now, what’s the point of even being in the relationship to begin with? There’s nothing worse than an insecure, jealous, clingy, needy woman. Ever watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? Well, act desperate and it’ll take you less than 10 days. Try a day or so.
The average dude prefers a confident, self assured and laid back chick … unless they are a mama or daddy’s boy. Some guys actually prefer clingy behavior because they need a mother figure to take care of them and make them feel special, to boost their egos. Trust me, been there, done that. I’m no longer married to that nightmare.
The challenge that women most often have is the inability to balance personal time, space, desires and dreams when in a relationship. Some women turn into an entirely different version of themselves when they are in a relationship. Here are some of the worst things you can do:
Stop hanging out with all of your girlfriends.
If you do hang out with your friends, you talk endlessly about your dude as if he’s come to save you from this big, bad world.
You pick a pretty boy and only date the pretty boys or the pretty, but tough boys. Regardless, the dude is either equal to your looks or prettier than you. He treats you like dirt, but you stay with him cause his prettiness boosts your ego. It’s like having a big job title, somehow he makes you look good.
Because your identity is reliant upon who you choose to be with, you have turned down average looking dudes. These average looking dudes had great careers, opened the door for you, was not self-centered and cared about your interests. He respected you, included you in decisions as well as introducing you to the important people in his life. He treated you like an equal, but since he wasn’t pretty enough for you, you turned him away and chose your GQ bad boy who’s all about himself.
Your girlfriend calls and you rush her off the phone in a desperate, panic as soon as your dude calls.
Totally immersing your world in to his. Any and all hobbies you once had totally stops because he’s now your all.
Give up on your dreams and goals to make him happy.
Your happiness seems to revolve completely around your man.
Put up with a disrespectful and/or flirtatious boyfriend. He looks at other women constantly. You know this, but you make excuses for him because you are desperate and don’t want to lose him.
Put up with a condescending dude. He doesn’t always do it, so you make more excuses for his rudeness and you justify it away as “that’s just his personality.”
Pick a guy who is self involved and only cares about his own interests, not yours. Everyone else sees it but you.
Your dude doesn’t want to be with you anymore cause he’s all about himself, wrapped up in wanting other women, and doesn’t want to be tied down to you. You are so desperate to keep him you try to get pregnant, lie about it, and any other type of sob story to come up with so that he stays with you out of guilt or pity.
If you are actually pregnant, you got pregnant during the worst possible time in your relationship, when you were fighting or separated or getting ready to divorce or breakup. You got pregnant hoping it’ll solve all your problems in your relationship and “bond” the two of you.
Your dude’s parents are overly protective, nosy and overly involved in his life. They dictate what he does and when and hold immense amounts of sway. It is really affecting your relationship and or marriage. You stay with him regardless of how much this is affects your sanity, peace of mind, and happiness.
You are married now and he still talks to his parents before talking to you. He does this with everything. All decisions are pre-made without your consent or at least discussing it with you. It’s like he’s married to his parents instead of you and he doesn’t seem to respect your feelings or opinion. You are to be seen and not heard. You justify his behavior as, “Oh, he’s just close with his folks cause he’s the baby of the family.”
You get mad or jealous when your dude wants to go out with the boys because it takes time away from you. Even though he sees you every day and he doesn’t see his boys nearly as much as he sees you.
You are a sweat pants, t-shirt, no-make up type of chick who once used to dress up or at least look presentable around your man once in a while. You admit you’ve gotten lazy, gained a little weight, and sort of stop caring altogether. You’ve gotten way too comfortable and now you’re wondering why the spark or passion has sort of sizzled or gone away.
Letting a man buy your love. He spoils you with trips, vacations, a new car, a nice ring, and everything that a woman can desire. This all contingent that you obey him, live where his job dictates, and give up your own identity and goals for the “greater good.” You let him buy all of this and you stay with him even though you are miserable.
Seeking out, dating, or marrying just for a dude’s title or money. You only date Dentists, Doctors, Lawyers, wealthy business men or entrepreneurs. Instead of trying to figure out how you are going to make your own money and earn it, you want to find Mr. Moneybags to save you or make your life easier. That way, you hardly have to try at all, you just need to sit, bat your eye lashes and look pretty.
While I have made some of these mistakes myself I have also witnessed some of my friends, and even family members, make these mistakes. A relationship is a balancing act, and it ought to compliment your personal life, goals, achievements, desires, dreams and hopes. A relationship shouldn’t be your entire life because this type of co-dependency is very unhealthy.
You should never get involved with a man, expecting him to change for you, rescue you, make you happy and solve your problems. If you need money, you should get a job and work for it. If you want to be happy, you need to go on a soul-searching adventure to find what makes you smile and what brings you joy. If you are broken inside over trauma, you need to take time to heal. Don’t expect a man to fill the hole in your heart because no one can but yourself.
Do not give up your life and your dreams for someone else. That’s not what a relationship is supposed to be. Relationships are supposed to be a team effort. They are supposed to enhance your life, complement your career and encourage your dreams, built on a foundation of mutual respect as well as friendship. They are not supposed to be built from lust and passion and selfishness, because when they are divorce, break up and heart ache can easily result.
And if a person wants to leave you, doesn’t want to be with you anymore, let them go. If they can’t see what you’re worth and how much you have to offer, then they are not worth your time, energy or heart.
Relationships are more than love. A true relationship goes beyond warm fuzzy feelings. At the very core they are about team work. Don’t get stuck making stupid mistakes that can sabotage them. Learn from your mistakes and be determined to not repeat them.
Writing With Hope 