Responding to Hate with Love

Posted on Updated on

Image via iStock

To clarify, love isn’t a magic wand that prevents misunderstandings, ceases all wars and dissolves emotional roadblocks. Personal baggage is a part of the process of living in an unfair world, one in which we are the results of toxic parenting styles we didn’t choose, that unite us in blood to personalities often challenging our own.

It is with regret that we are faced with our own flaws, which can be burdensome and time consuming to heal. We first must acknowledge the hate and resentment brewing inside us. Most of us have experienced denial at some point in our lives, keeping ourselves busy enough to numb our pain. Eventually, the unresolved black mass rotting like spoiled food in our soul spews forth. It launches out of us as beastly anger that wounds loved ones. Unresolved pain often turns into hatred and when we don’t see our own flaws we project our hurt onto others.

Have you ever said some horrible things to someone, accused them of a list of things they’ve done to you, only to later examine your words and find that everything you said is actually a reflection of you and things you’ve done? It’s the most enlightening moment when you can finally say, “I wasn’t talking about them. I wasn’t pointing out their imperfections. Everything I just listed, all of the ugly I recited is really everything I see in myself. I was talking about me!”

When you can face your own imperfections, you stop projecting them onto others. You realize that the one person over here or that person over there no longer make you angry. You find yourself realizing that all the anger you had towards these people in your life was really a reflection of your inner turmoil.

It had nothing to do with “them” all along. It was always about you.

And suddenly you find yourself on the receiving end of hatred that is vomited forth all over your heart, melting your energy. Your mind’s muscle memory wants to kick in, and that old angry spirit expects you to fight hatred with hatred, anger with anger, vengeance with vengeance, lies with more lies. This is where we all have the opportunity to pause in that moment and silence that part of our brain that wants to react. This is when we can blanket the hatred with loving, calculated responses.

Successful customer service personnel must master this. Employees dealing with difficult personalities must master this. Doctors and nurses dealing with complaining, angry patients in pain must master this. So do mothers and fathers, as one day must daughters and sons in caring for challenging, angry, senile and dying parents.

Wounded people sabotage themselves when shown love, because subconsciously they feel that they don’t deserve it. Often, they recreate hostile situations because the neural pathways in their brain are wired to remember this. It is “normal” to them and the only thing they know. Those that love a wounded soul will often be the first to be targeted and to receive the bulk of wrath thrown at them. This is because close loved ones such as siblings, parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents, dear friends and significant others can knowingly or unknowingly trigger the pain. One doesn’t even need to say anything wrong in order to be a trigger for someone. Siblings have a pecking order from oldest to youngest; the way siblings are raised can influence toxic relationships with one another. As adults it is much harder to undo a terrible childhood, which can scar the soul permanently.

We do have a choice as adults to dispose once and for all any toxic residue in our bloodline that can lead to a wretched, cyclical pattern. We do have a choice as adults to escape from the bondage and to throw away the baggage of our past. We do have a choice as adults to revoke the blueprints that were taught to us, the negative moral influences that didn’t protect us as children but tainted our innocence. We do have a choice as adults to stop, once and for all, the negative trends passed on from generation to generation. We do have a choice to say, “This stops with me. I will be better and my children will be better. We will not continue this toxic cycle. It’s stops with me. It stops right now!”

We do have a choice as adults to claim our right to be happy, to welcome love, and to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness begins with ourselves and then we must forgive our parents, siblings, exes, and our enemies. It is not without difficulty. Forgiveness is not a light demand, but it’s a necessity in order for us to move forward without the chains of anger and resentment roped around our necks. Without forgiveness, we sink into an endless battle of proving others wrong and making ourselves right, at least in our own heads. We fight with everyone, find flaws in them, pick fights, recreate toxic environments that are abusive because it’s what we’ve become accustomed to. And until we forgive, we can’t quite let go of the anger and pain that fuels the spirit that feeds on conflict, strife, and hostility.

We do have a choice as adults to respond with love when attacked. We do have a choice as adults to set an example, not just for ourselves but for our families and our children that are watching. Some might be waiting for us to make a wrong move, to fall back into negative patterns, to react as the “old you.” But, you and I have a choice on how we react. Will you choose hatred and anger or will you choose love?


The Bottom Line:

Out of love we can love ourselves enough to remove ourselves from abusive situations. Out of love for ourselves, we can choose to not be a doormat. Out of love for others, we can choose how we respond to accusations and hateful words. Sometimes, the first step really begins with us. It might take months or years to master, but once we love ourselves and forgive ourselves we are free to love without restraint or conditions. We can walk away peacefully and not return anger with anger. We can walk away satisfied that we responded towards an angry and wounded soul with love. We can go to sleep at night soundly, knowing that we did the right thing.

The right thing isn’t always easy to do. Choosing “the high road” means having mastery of our own emotions and not allowing others to trigger us. Once we’ve conquered our personal pains and have healed, we stop blaming everyone else for our own misery and take accountability for our own shortcomings. There is great freedom in forgiveness and great freedom in introspection and discovering that we alone have the power to change ourselves. Because the flaws we find in others are often unresolved issues within us.

Once we discover what needs to be changed, we no longer live in denial and we’re that much closer to shedding our past skin. If we can succeed at ditching damaging trauma we’ve experienced by forgiving others and moving on, we can finally learn to live conflict-free in peace and love rather than in strife and anger. No, love isn’t a magic wand. Rather it’s a powerful solution and a better way to live.

Live in

not in Hate.

Choose

not Hate.





 

Save

Save

Advertisements

46 thoughts on “Responding to Hate with Love

    alooktwicethought said:
    April 16, 2017 at 7:54 AM

    Thank you!! Oh it was so enjoyable to read this and was exactly what I needed to read before walking out the door today. You have restored a little bit of faith in humanity to a very wounded but, healing soul. Thank you! (seriously, can not say thank you enough) This is a beautiful and beautifully written piece!

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      April 16, 2017 at 9:34 AM

      Oh, I am so very glad that it moved you. I write from the heart and share my own personal experiences. I’ve been the wounded soul lashing out and also on the receiving end. Thank you, thank you for reading and commenting! I hope you have a fabulous Easter and or Sunday with those you love and support you. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

        alooktwicethought said:
        April 16, 2017 at 8:33 PM

        It really shows that you write from the heart 🙂 and you do it so well. Thank you, today was fabulous and your words helped with that. I hope you are having a fantastic Easter, as well!

        Liked by 1 person

        Sonyo Estavillo responded:
        April 16, 2017 at 8:50 PM

        ❤️

        Like

    @vapor_sage said:
    April 16, 2017 at 7:56 AM

    One of the 3 most difficult things for humans to do that they should. Along with admitting when we’re wrong and including those who are overlooked or left out

    Liked by 2 people

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      April 16, 2017 at 9:36 AM

      So true it’s one of the hardest things to do, to respond in love and compassion rather than retaliation and anger. Have an awesome Easter! ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

    marymichaelschmidt said:
    April 16, 2017 at 8:05 AM

    Reblogged this on When Angels Fly and commented:
    Choose love… always choose love.

    Liked by 1 person

    marymichaelschmidt said:
    April 16, 2017 at 8:05 AM

    Always choose love. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      April 16, 2017 at 9:19 AM

      Thank you so much for reading. It is longer than my others, that made me concerned. But I felt lead to write it and inspired. Happy Easter! ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

    Brainy Versatility said:
    April 16, 2017 at 10:06 AM

    Reblogged this on Brainy Versatility.

    Liked by 1 person

    J-Dub said:
    April 16, 2017 at 10:15 AM

    Just this morning I started to write and post called “it was me all along”. You absolutely nailed it! I needed to see this today ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      April 16, 2017 at 10:59 AM

      Awe, thank you! I love it when that happens. I will have to check out your blog. Have a great Easter and or Sunday! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

    Take Ten | Altea Addison is Writing said:
    April 16, 2017 at 12:20 PM

    […] Recent Post: Responding to Hate with Love […]

    Liked by 1 person

    YellowCable said:
    April 16, 2017 at 2:10 PM

    Well put post.. only love (loving kindness) can really stop hate. Unfortunately, we trend to react based on emotional than taking a split seconds to realize what is going on and react.

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      April 16, 2017 at 2:26 PM

      Yes, we have a tendency to react first and think later. Thank you for commenting and hope you have a great Sunday. Happy Easter! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    Prakash Hegade said:
    April 17, 2017 at 7:04 AM

    This had a very catchy beginning lines. I so much agree to thoughts here about – “most of the times the things we say, is our own reflection”.

    Its not easy to find the high road and its not that difficult too,one certainly has to strive for. A very nice read. 🙂

    I am happy to have reached your blog. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      April 18, 2017 at 8:33 PM

      Yes, taking the high road doesn’t have to be a challenge at all. I agree with you. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    Rayne said:
    April 17, 2017 at 8:17 AM

    Forgiveness is not a prerequisite for healing. I read that somewhere… Can’t remember where exactly. It was a study that they did on survivors of trauma, and the results found that forgiveness wasn’t necessary to move on and heal. Forgiving them gives them an easy way out. Forgiving ourselves, free’s us. Those of us who refuse to forgive our abuses, those of us having grown up with all kinds of abuse at once, don’t choose to have flashbacks. We don’t choose to have those memories just come up out of the blue. I will not forgive the person (people) that have hurt me. But that doesn’t make me bitter, or any less valuable as a human being. The important thing is forgiving ourselves. Just thought I’d throw in my two cents. Great article by the way. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      April 17, 2017 at 9:30 AM

      I totally understand your perspective, I know all about flashbacks. Forgiving ourselves is a great start indeed and forgiving others does free us from anger. But, I like to say with everything in life it’s a case by case bases. Every situation and trauma is different, we are all unique. Doing what’s best for you is ultimately the key because you know what will bring you peace. What ever works for each individual. Thank you for sharing and being brave enough to be open about your perspective. I love hearing from various points of view. Hope you have a great Monday! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

        Rayne said:
        April 17, 2017 at 9:49 AM

        Thanks Sonyo. It’s nice to talk to someone with an open mind. I might still forgive certain people in the future, but I know that right now I don’t need to force anything. We grow and change, so absolutes are never actually that. Thanks for the reply. 🙂 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        Sonyo Estavillo responded:
        April 17, 2017 at 10:37 AM

        Yes, I totally understand and can empathize. For me, it took years and years in some cases. But, finally I was able to let go of past traumas, forgive them, and heal.

        You definitely don’t want to force it. The best thing to do is to do what you’re doing. Do the right thing that in your gut will help you heal and be a fabulous person now. We cross the “forgiveness bridge” when it’s the right time for you. Thank you for sharing. 🙂 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

    Samantha said:
    April 18, 2017 at 7:05 AM

    Great article! It resonates with what I’ve recently learned about Nonviolent Communication (of which me and my classmates all agreed is a badly chosen name). We are responsible for our own feelings and cannot communicate with others if we don’t show compassion and speak from the heart. We need empathy and understanding, also towards ourselves (which in my case is quite hard, haha).

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      April 18, 2017 at 9:15 AM

      Oh, I love this nonviolent communication class or lesson you are learning. ❤ Empathy is key because when someone is yelling at you and being violent with their words, the first thing we want to do as humans is to respond.

      We want to defend ourselves and we feel our own tempers rise. But, when we bite our tongues and take a step back we can choose not to get defensive. Instead of being defensive, we can show compassion. It's easy to judge an angry spirit, but they are often wounded individuals limping around this world surviving out of their pain.

      When we see people who are hurtful and angry and even abusive as someone who has a wounded child inside of them; I think it opens up our hearts to them. We can love a wounded child and not react. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

      I am going to look up that nonviolent communication course and see if there is one near me! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

        Samantha said:
        April 18, 2017 at 9:30 AM

        I don’t think you need a course; everything you just wrote is in line with NC 😉 (but it’s still very interesting a topic).

        Liked by 1 person

        Sonyo Estavillo responded:
        April 18, 2017 at 5:06 PM

        Ha ha, thanks. 😊 Yes, NC sounds amazing! I’d still ❤️ to learn. I am always learning, never too old or too educated. ❤️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

    stacilys said:
    April 21, 2017 at 11:03 AM

    Hi Sonyo. Great article on a topic that is so very difficult for many to grasp, understand or succeed at doing. There’s this one Bible verse that says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” So much wisdom in these words, yet something that is tough to accomplish. I want to strive for this.
    Hope you are well and had a nice Easter. Please have a wonderful weekend.
    🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      April 22, 2017 at 10:03 AM

      Thank you so much, I had a great Easter and that bible verse is right on point Staci.

      We should be slow to speak and quick to listen. I can sometimes, in excitement, interrupt and I’m learning to bite my tongue in good conversation and listen more.

      Even when the conversation isn’t going so well, we can still try to respond to anger with a loving response of our own. I hope you are having a great weekend as well.

      We are in San Francisco this weekend. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

        stacilys said:
        April 24, 2017 at 10:44 AM

        Oh nice, San Francisco. I hope you had a nice time.
        Please have a wonderful week.
        🙂 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        Sonyo Estavillo responded:
        April 24, 2017 at 11:18 AM

        It was great, but a little too much concrete jungle for my taste. I prefer to live near the city but somewhat close to nature. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

        stacilys said:
        April 28, 2017 at 1:34 PM

        Oh yes, hahaha. I hear you. I live in a beautiful and tropical place. I really am blessed. I actually don’t even want to go out on the weekends usually because it’s so lovely here.
        Have a great weekend.
        I’ll be by soon to see what you’ve been up to.
        🙂 ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        Sonyo Estavillo responded:
        April 28, 2017 at 3:25 PM

        Thank you and I’ll be by to see what you are up to as well!!! Where you live sounds amazing!!! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        stacilys said:
        May 1, 2017 at 10:39 AM

        It truly is.
        🙂 ❤

        Like

    Jainey said:
    May 1, 2017 at 2:34 PM

    Great perspective on this topic. It’s difficult to choose the path of ❤❤ in certain situations. But I try to live by a Bible verse that says something about
    “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry”
    It has really helped me learn how to forgive and let go easily.

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      May 1, 2017 at 3:40 PM

      I know it really is hard to shower love on someone who might not be showing a good example of empathy. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

        Jainey said:
        May 1, 2017 at 3:46 PM

        Oui. Tres difficile!!
        If that’s correct. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

        Sonyo Estavillo responded:
        May 1, 2017 at 3:54 PM

        I’m not sure either I speak only English, but I can always Google it! lol

        Liked by 1 person

        Jainey said:
        May 1, 2017 at 3:59 PM

        😀 Je suis tres desolee si I am wrong.
        Lool

        Liked by 1 person

        Sonyo Estavillo responded:
        May 1, 2017 at 4:23 PM

        It’s difficult for many people, including me. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

    Ryan Mcfabulous said:
    June 2, 2017 at 4:38 AM

    Reblogged this on Hearts / Wires.

    Liked by 1 person

    A Gypsy's Tale by Brooke Breazeale said:
    June 17, 2017 at 10:29 PM

    Wow. Same post, different writers. You are brilliant, as is your writing.
    https://nataliebreazeale.wordpress.com/2017/02/26/love-hate-revisited/

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s