Stopping Myself From Stopping Myself

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Stopping Myself From Stopping Myself
Photo By: Sonyo Estavillo

Sometimes depression speaks to me through resounding voices that ask me what the hell am I doing all this for. Then, I find myself consumed with feeling absurd, that perhaps stringing words together is nothing more than a waste of time. The writer inside yearns for continuous approval, and removing denial from the equation exposes my weakness, that I am too delicate and too easily broken.

Perhaps all writers have one thing in common: We’re all insecure and we all need readers to help validate our self-worth. Inside, I am always breaking, searching for answers to my awkwardness. When joy dries up, despondency takes its place until I am alerted again that I’m failing.

Failure at living

Afraid to succeed

Internally fragmented

Living shameful of words

I wander around the rooms in my head to validate the voices that tell me this is all a waste of time. But, I get up and open to a blank page. My fingers begin to move again and I keep writing until the voices begin to fade.


The Bottom Line

There is no one perfect path that exists except for our own, and maybe I’m weak and a little insecure. Perhaps I need so much because I’m often haunted by what I lack. But at least I can confess to all of this. At least I can look myself in the mirror and own my imperfections while attempting to revise them. For too long I hid my depression from the world, afraid of the judgment, afraid of the stigma. Depression attempts to control my life and whisper all the ways I will fall apart again. My world fragmenting. The only course of action is to stop myself from stopping myself. It’s easier to quit and to allow the voices to win because they’ve succeeded at pulling me down before, sucked into a pit of despair at the bottom of an invisible well. Yet, every day I get up and try, albeit imperfectly, stumbling along I am still choosing the more difficult path.

In the end

I choose to live

I open a new page

I write again



thomas-jefferson



 

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24 thoughts on “Stopping Myself From Stopping Myself

    goldenpinkjournal said:
    February 12, 2017 at 7:49 AM

    If this isn’t me! Omg.. I can relate completely, this was also great advice and motivation in a way. Definitely never give up and only stop all the negativity✨

    Liked by 4 people

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      February 12, 2017 at 9:35 AM

      Yeah, we have to constantly battle with our own internal negative self talk. It’s like we sabotage ourselves before we can reach the goal line. I’m now recognizing what I do wrong and trying to correct my course. You simply have to push past the nagging “what if’s” and still try. Because not trying at all is failing, as cliche as that sounds. 🙂

      Liked by 3 people

        goldenpinkjournal said:
        February 12, 2017 at 9:03 PM

        Exactly! And that’s what matters that we can realize what’s wrong, correct it and keep on going

        Like

    The Pink Agendist, née Mr. Merveilleux said:
    February 12, 2017 at 3:11 PM

    You’ve just described being a human animal. We’re all there, the difference is you can see it whilst most don’t have a clue of what’s going on around them.
    Deep down we fluctuate between two primordial feelings, the desire to survive and the desire to be loved. The second is related to the first.

    Liked by 3 people

    realryangray said:
    February 12, 2017 at 3:40 PM

    I’m proud of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    chrisr74 said:
    February 12, 2017 at 11:47 PM

    You are a gift in the world of the Arts. I love your style and everything about you.

    Like

    jennylynnangelo said:
    February 13, 2017 at 9:18 AM

    I love reading your posts because you’re so honest. I read other bloggers that I have a harder time connecting with because they come across inauthentic. Keep up the great work and I’ll keep reading! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Bob said:
    March 1, 2017 at 12:59 PM

    Thanks a lot. It was really good

    Liked by 1 person

    Woods Davidson said:
    March 10, 2017 at 3:54 PM

    Dear pickmeup
    Just wandered in to fertile ground. Just what the canvas/page needed. An audience. Hoping this works. Hopefully yours.W

    Liked by 1 person

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      March 10, 2017 at 4:43 PM

      Thank you so much for stopping by and reading. I appreciate it and will stop by on your blog and check it out. I’m pretty good at reading posts from people who stop by and commenting back. I believe in reciprocity. 🙂

      Like

      Woods Davidson said:
      March 10, 2017 at 5:12 PM

      Dear sonyo. Would appreciate the 101 course on how to be involved. How do I use word press. Do I use word press? First time blogger.

      Liked by 1 person

        Sonyo Estavillo responded:
        March 10, 2017 at 5:19 PM

        Okay, maybe I’ll write a blog about it. I think you get more using WordPress.com. There’s a bigger chance of achieving a fan base via WordPress.com vs WordPress.org. I love your paintings by the way! Really great, now all you need are poems or blog posts or whatever. I think creative writing or short poems to go with your paintings might be do well on WordPress. 🙂

        Like

    Woods Davidson said:
    March 10, 2017 at 5:03 PM

    M

    Liked by 1 person

    artyplantsman said:
    August 9, 2017 at 5:15 AM

    Been searching wordpress for bloggers who talk about art and depression. Love your writing and am now following you.

    Like

      Sonyo Estavillo responded:
      August 10, 2017 at 8:34 PM

      So great that you are following me, I’m also following you too!

      Like

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