Stopping Myself From Stopping Myself
Sometimes depression speaks to me through resounding voices that ask me what the hell am I doing all this for. Then, I find myself consumed with feeling absurd, that perhaps stringing words together is nothing more than a waste of time. The writer inside yearns for continuous approval, and removing denial from the equation exposes my weakness, that I am too delicate and too easily broken.
Perhaps all writers have one thing in common: We’re all insecure and we all need readers to help validate our self-worth. Inside, I am always breaking, searching for answers to my awkwardness. When joy dries up, despondency takes its place until I am alerted again that I’m failing.
Failure at living
Afraid to succeed
Internally fragmented
Living shameful of words
I wander around the rooms in my head to validate the voices that tell me this is all a waste of time. But, I get up and open to a blank page. My fingers begin to move again and I keep writing until the voices begin to fade.
The Bottom Line
There is no one perfect path that exists except for our own, and maybe I’m weak and a little insecure. Perhaps I need so much because I’m often haunted by what I lack. But at least I can confess to all of this. At least I can look myself in the mirror and own my imperfections while attempting to revise them. For too long I hid my depression from the world, afraid of the judgment, afraid of the stigma. Depression attempts to control my life and whisper all the ways I will fall apart again. My world fragmenting. The only course of action is to stop myself from stopping myself. It’s easier to quit and to allow the voices to win because they’ve succeeded at pulling me down before, sucked into a pit of despair at the bottom of an invisible well. Yet, every day I get up and try, albeit imperfectly, stumbling along I am still choosing the more difficult path.
In the end
I choose to live
I open a new page
I write again
Writing With Hope 
February 12, 2017 at 7:49 AM
If this isn’t me! Omg.. I can relate completely, this was also great advice and motivation in a way. Definitely never give up and only stop all the negativity✨
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February 12, 2017 at 9:35 AM
Yeah, we have to constantly battle with our own internal negative self talk. It’s like we sabotage ourselves before we can reach the goal line. I’m now recognizing what I do wrong and trying to correct my course. You simply have to push past the nagging “what if’s” and still try. Because not trying at all is failing, as cliche as that sounds. 🙂
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February 12, 2017 at 9:03 PM
Exactly! And that’s what matters that we can realize what’s wrong, correct it and keep on going
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February 12, 2017 at 3:11 PM
You’ve just described being a human animal. We’re all there, the difference is you can see it whilst most don’t have a clue of what’s going on around them.
Deep down we fluctuate between two primordial feelings, the desire to survive and the desire to be loved. The second is related to the first.
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February 12, 2017 at 3:39 PM
Yeah, I do notice there are many that desire to appear like they have it all together. It’s harder to admit to our internal struggles or at least reflect on them.
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February 12, 2017 at 4:03 PM
Here’s something to pick you up, from my land… Andalucia: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51RcsZrURR8&list=PLDqT2_nC6gcpfB1qCk1kxwb2o1mMCxRw0&index=5
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February 12, 2017 at 4:04 PM
Thanks, I can’t understand it but it sounds pretty cool. 🙂
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February 12, 2017 at 4:18 PM
Oops, sorry! From your last name I just presumed you understood Spanish 🙂
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February 12, 2017 at 4:31 PM
I’m half Puerto Rican, but I don’t speak Spanish and understand a few words. I was born in Dallas, Texas. Go Cowboys! I’m also Korean and I don’t speak that either. But my mom is trilingual. Go figure. It’s just boring English for me (ha ha ha.) 🙂
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February 12, 2017 at 4:34 PM
There’s a project for the future! Spanish and/or Korean. A pick you up that’ll also slap you down along the way 😀
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February 12, 2017 at 3:40 PM
I’m proud of you.
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February 12, 2017 at 11:47 PM
You are a gift in the world of the Arts. I love your style and everything about you.
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February 13, 2017 at 7:11 AM
Very sweet, thank you 🙂
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February 13, 2017 at 9:18 AM
I love reading your posts because you’re so honest. I read other bloggers that I have a harder time connecting with because they come across inauthentic. Keep up the great work and I’ll keep reading! 🙂
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February 13, 2017 at 9:21 AM
Thank you Jenny! 🙂
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February 13, 2017 at 9:39 AM
It’s not easy being transparent. It takes some guts I guess. 🙂
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March 1, 2017 at 12:59 PM
Thanks a lot. It was really good
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March 10, 2017 at 3:54 PM
Dear pickmeup
Just wandered in to fertile ground. Just what the canvas/page needed. An audience. Hoping this works. Hopefully yours.W
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March 10, 2017 at 4:43 PM
Thank you so much for stopping by and reading. I appreciate it and will stop by on your blog and check it out. I’m pretty good at reading posts from people who stop by and commenting back. I believe in reciprocity. 🙂
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March 10, 2017 at 5:12 PM
Dear sonyo. Would appreciate the 101 course on how to be involved. How do I use word press. Do I use word press? First time blogger.
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March 10, 2017 at 5:19 PM
Okay, maybe I’ll write a blog about it. I think you get more using WordPress.com. There’s a bigger chance of achieving a fan base via WordPress.com vs WordPress.org. I love your paintings by the way! Really great, now all you need are poems or blog posts or whatever. I think creative writing or short poems to go with your paintings might be do well on WordPress. 🙂
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March 10, 2017 at 5:03 PM
M
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August 9, 2017 at 5:15 AM
Been searching wordpress for bloggers who talk about art and depression. Love your writing and am now following you.
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August 10, 2017 at 8:34 PM
So great that you are following me, I’m also following you too!
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